1
00:00:01,088 --> 00:00:02,348
[Door opening]

2
00:00:02,437 --> 00:00:03,677
Hey, I wanted you
to know I put together

3
00:00:03,699 --> 00:00:05,219
the online press
kit for adoniss.

4
00:00:05,309 --> 00:00:06,879
Ok, I would get on
you for not knocking,

5
00:00:06,963 --> 00:00:08,883
but you throw me when
you do work on your own.

6
00:00:10,358 --> 00:00:12,728
Well, I tried calling you from
my office, but your line was busy.

7
00:00:12,751 --> 00:00:15,541
Oh, sorry, Spence. My mom
has been calling all morning,

8
00:00:15,624 --> 00:00:18,454
so I took the phone off the hook.
I can barely get any work done.

9
00:00:18,540 --> 00:00:20,060
She can't be that bad.

10
00:00:20,150 --> 00:00:22,500
I have some faxes for
you. They're all from Phyllis.

11
00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:25,521
Ugh. "Mona, you
only have one mother,

12
00:00:25,547 --> 00:00:27,507
"so pick up the damn phone.

13
00:00:27,592 --> 00:00:29,872
Love, the woman who has stretch
marks because of you. Mom."

14
00:00:30,552 --> 00:00:33,602
Your mother needs
a hobby, like a man.

15
00:00:33,685 --> 00:00:35,165
It's always been
my favorite hobby.

16
00:00:36,819 --> 00:00:38,949
She's been extra needy lately,

17
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:41,739
and I think she's just reacting to
me spending more time with my dad.

18
00:00:41,824 --> 00:00:44,574
[Rings] It's her.

19
00:00:44,653 --> 00:00:46,743
You should answer it.
It might be important.

20
00:00:48,483 --> 00:00:52,493
Yeah, ma? Wow, I
am glad you called.

21
00:00:52,574 --> 00:00:55,714
Captain midnight just
coughed up a 2-pound hairball.

22
00:00:55,794 --> 00:00:57,414
Actually, she
faxed a picture of it.

23
00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:01,097
It was important to the cat.

24
00:01:04,890 --> 00:01:09,900
♪ Through this
journey of discovery ♪

25
00:01:09,982 --> 00:01:14,512
♪ you're finding
you, I'm finding me ♪

26
00:01:14,596 --> 00:01:17,636
♪ now that I have
someone special ♪

27
00:01:17,729 --> 00:01:19,429
♪ who brings out the joy ♪

28
00:01:19,514 --> 00:01:20,514
♪ brings out the joy ♪

29
00:01:20,558 --> 00:01:23,998
♪ inside of me ♪

30
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,174
♪ we can become
whatever we want ♪

31
00:01:26,260 --> 00:01:29,000
♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

32
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:31,959
♪ that's the way I
feel it should be ♪

33
00:01:32,048 --> 00:01:34,398
♪ you and me ♪

34
00:01:34,485 --> 00:01:37,045
[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

35
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,673
Mona, I know you wanted
a quiet evening alone

36
00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:47,847
after a hectic day of
dodging your mother,

37
00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:50,813
so I got you your favorite
Blair Underwood films

38
00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:52,223
since I know how
much you love him.

39
00:01:52,242 --> 00:01:54,242
Wait a minute. You love him.

40
00:01:54,331 --> 00:01:55,851
And so will you as
soon as he flashes

41
00:01:55,941 --> 00:01:57,581
that flawless smile
or rips off his shirt,

42
00:01:57,639 --> 00:01:58,859
whichever you see first.

43
00:02:00,642 --> 00:02:03,252
You are a good little sister.

44
00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:04,690
Your hot chocolate
is right there,

45
00:02:04,776 --> 00:02:06,466
but be careful. Two
big sips of my special

46
00:02:06,561 --> 00:02:08,301
sleepy time mix and
you are crashing like...

47
00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:09,779
Still not quiet.

48
00:02:11,522 --> 00:02:14,002
Oops. Sorry. Just relax.

49
00:02:14,090 --> 00:02:15,370
There is nothing here to disturb

50
00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:17,786
your quiet,
peaceful tranquillity.

51
00:02:19,356 --> 00:02:21,966
Why the hell is it
so dark in here?

52
00:02:22,054 --> 00:02:24,804
I got nothing to do, I
knew you had nothing to do,

53
00:02:24,883 --> 00:02:26,323
so I thought we'd
do it together.

54
00:02:26,407 --> 00:02:27,667
What are we watching?

55
00:02:27,756 --> 00:02:30,106
My nerves shatter
into a million pieces.

56
00:02:30,193 --> 00:02:32,673
Ooh! I haven't seen
that one. Sounds scary.

57
00:02:33,979 --> 00:02:35,019
It is.

58
00:02:36,721 --> 00:02:38,721
Well, you might as
well stick around, too.

59
00:02:38,810 --> 00:02:41,290
Yay! Girls night out, only in.

60
00:02:42,423 --> 00:02:44,083
Bring on the Blair-a-thon.

61
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,434
Oh, Phyllis, I've been
trying to get a hold of you,

62
00:02:46,514 --> 00:02:48,044
but your phone's always busy.

63
00:02:48,124 --> 00:02:49,604
Gee, I wonder who she's calling.

64
00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:53,218
Remember my
professor Martin Wilkins,

65
00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:55,223
he played poker
with us that one time?

66
00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:57,585
You mean the bitter sad sack
going through that nasty divorce

67
00:02:57,612 --> 00:02:59,352
who walks around
with a chip on shoulder,

68
00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,510
mad at the world and
disgruntled with life in general?

69
00:03:01,529 --> 00:03:03,569
Yeah, him. He's
very interested in you.

70
00:03:03,661 --> 00:03:04,661
Set it up.

71
00:03:06,751 --> 00:03:09,621
What? He's working, breathing,
and we both hate our exes,

72
00:03:09,711 --> 00:03:12,151
and I never turn down a
free meal from a younger man.

73
00:03:12,235 --> 00:03:15,325
After we eat, I don't have
to share my pepto with him.

74
00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:17,892
Thanks for thinking
of me, Dee Dee.

75
00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,240
Where are you going?

76
00:03:19,329 --> 00:03:20,739
I gotta go dust off
my dating clothes

77
00:03:20,765 --> 00:03:22,375
and start shaving
everything I can reach.

78
00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:29,025
[Both laughing]

79
00:03:30,601 --> 00:03:31,911
Oh.

80
00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:35,874
You know, Charles,

81
00:03:35,954 --> 00:03:37,914
it's nice of you to take
the trash out of Mona's,

82
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,870
but you can't just leave big
items like that out on the curb.

83
00:03:40,959 --> 00:03:43,699
So, Martin, I see you're still
honoring your boy scout commitment

84
00:03:43,788 --> 00:03:45,358
by helping a little old lady.

85
00:03:47,139 --> 00:03:49,839
So you're my daughter's
professor. I've heard a lot about you.

86
00:03:49,925 --> 00:03:51,225
And you must be the ex-husband.

87
00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,098
I've heard a lot
about you as well.

88
00:03:53,189 --> 00:03:54,549
From the way
Phyllis described you,

89
00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:57,242
I thought you'd be
about two feet tall.

90
00:03:57,324 --> 00:04:00,114
That's just how I felt
when I was married to her.

91
00:04:00,196 --> 00:04:02,106
That's nothing.
When I was married,

92
00:04:02,198 --> 00:04:05,808
I only felt the crumbling
facade of my will to live.

93
00:04:05,897 --> 00:04:07,807
Well, that's all behind you now.

94
00:04:07,899 --> 00:04:10,029
Marty and I are
on our third date.

95
00:04:10,119 --> 00:04:12,819
That's wonderful. Blink
one time if you need help.

96
00:04:13,949 --> 00:04:15,599
A third date with Phyllis.

97
00:04:15,690 --> 00:04:18,650
That explains the
sadness in your eyes.

98
00:04:18,736 --> 00:04:20,126
That's an astigmatism.

99
00:04:20,216 --> 00:04:22,256
My ex-wife took my
glasses in the divorce.

100
00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:25,874
But she left the
best part for me.

101
00:04:25,961 --> 00:04:28,051
Marty and I had
a fantastic night.

102
00:04:29,138 --> 00:04:31,138
It's the longest I've
spent with a woman

103
00:04:31,227 --> 00:04:34,137
without curling up into the fetal
position and clutching my wallet.

104
00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:36,580
Give it time,
buddy. Give it time.

105
00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:39,584
[Door opens]

106
00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:41,150
- Phyllis: Hey.
- Hey.

107
00:04:41,237 --> 00:04:43,847
Oh, hey, ma. You haven't
dropped by in a while.

108
00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:46,285
Whatever you've
been doing, I approve.

109
00:04:46,373 --> 00:04:47,553
Unless it's illegal.

110
00:04:47,635 --> 00:04:48,715
I still approve.

111
00:04:49,941 --> 00:04:52,991
Well, we just wanted to stop
by and say hello to Dee Dee.

112
00:04:53,075 --> 00:04:55,115
And thank her for fixing us up.

113
00:04:55,207 --> 00:04:59,777
All I did was bring two beaten-down,
lonely, desperate souls together.

114
00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:01,004
It's a gift.

115
00:05:02,084 --> 00:05:05,094
You know, Marty, I've always
thought of these two as my girls.

116
00:05:05,174 --> 00:05:06,524
You have?

117
00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,350
Yeah. It's like I
have two daughters:

118
00:05:08,438 --> 00:05:11,788
One gives me boyfriends, and
the other one gives me problems.

119
00:05:13,051 --> 00:05:15,231
Those problems fill
your days, old woman.

120
00:05:17,142 --> 00:05:20,672
It was my pleasure. I'm just
glad you two are getting along.

121
00:05:20,755 --> 00:05:22,365
I've had a delightful evening,

122
00:05:22,452 --> 00:05:24,322
except for the awkward
banter in the hall

123
00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:27,201
and the family tension
you could cut with a knife.

124
00:05:27,283 --> 00:05:29,503
However, I must
prepare. In the morning,

125
00:05:29,590 --> 00:05:32,380
I'm giving a tort lecture
on res ipsa loquitur.

126
00:05:32,462 --> 00:05:34,382
Ooh, I love it when
he talks like that.

127
00:05:36,248 --> 00:05:37,728
Now I'm off to my place,

128
00:05:37,815 --> 00:05:41,035
a sad hovel shrouded
in depressing memories.

129
00:05:41,123 --> 00:05:43,303
But I had a lovely
time, Phyllis.

130
00:05:43,386 --> 00:05:47,346
I've never seen anyone eat so much
peel-and-eat shrimp in one sitting.

131
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:48,484
Turns me on.

132
00:05:51,873 --> 00:05:54,013
Oh, what a night.

133
00:05:54,092 --> 00:05:55,402
But first things first.

134
00:05:55,485 --> 00:05:57,265
I gotta get out of
these support hose.

135
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,707
I got a filet mignon pressing
up against my waistband.

136
00:05:59,794 --> 00:06:03,284
But as soon as I free my flesh,
I will give you all the highlights.

137
00:06:06,844 --> 00:06:09,114
Things are working
out just the way I hoped.

138
00:06:09,194 --> 00:06:10,944
For the professor?

139
00:06:11,022 --> 00:06:13,332
No, with Phyllis. When
professor Wilkins asked about her,

140
00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:15,326
I figured it was the
perfect opportunity

141
00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:17,328
for your mother and I
to share a special bond.

142
00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:20,340
Ok, but just know that being
Phyllis Thorne's daughter

143
00:06:20,423 --> 00:06:22,773
involves 24-hour
access, a daily guilt trip,

144
00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:25,300
and a thumb callous
from coupon clippin'.

145
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:26,945
I think I can handle it.

146
00:06:27,038 --> 00:06:28,488
[Phyllis, yelling]
Someone get in here.

147
00:06:28,518 --> 00:06:30,158
Mama needs some help
with these pantyhose!

148
00:06:31,565 --> 00:06:34,345
They're stuck around my thighs!

149
00:06:36,004 --> 00:06:37,704
I'll help you, Phyllis!

150
00:06:37,788 --> 00:06:39,488
Oh, word of advice...

151
00:06:39,573 --> 00:06:41,533
Make her stand up so you
have gravity on your side.

152
00:06:57,242 --> 00:07:00,642
You know, picking it up every so
often isn't gonna make the man call.

153
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:05,822
Well, it's just usually my mom
has called 10 times by now.

154
00:07:05,903 --> 00:07:07,343
Are the phones out?

155
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,947
Oh, she called. To get
Dee Dee's cell number.

156
00:07:10,038 --> 00:07:12,038
They're having lunch
at the rib roundup.

157
00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:14,997
She even bought your sister
a pair of size zero eating pants.

158
00:07:16,566 --> 00:07:20,916
She did? I haven't gotten any
new eating pants since Christmas.

159
00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:23,305
Well, the more time Dee
Dee spends with Phyllis,

160
00:07:23,399 --> 00:07:25,099
the more time you
have to yourself.

161
00:07:25,183 --> 00:07:28,453
Now you can date, work
out, fix yourself up a little.

162
00:07:31,059 --> 00:07:34,449
You're bringing me down. Are
you trying to take my mom's place?

163
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:37,411
Aw, don't worry.
I'm here for you.

164
00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:38,980
You know you can
always count on me.

165
00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:40,627
I'm your rock. Huh?

166
00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:43,251
Thanks, Spence. It's nice
to know you'll always...

167
00:07:43,332 --> 00:07:45,472
Ooh, sandwich cart's here.

168
00:07:47,902 --> 00:07:49,032
Rock's gotta eat.

169
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,600
[Knock on door]

170
00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:55,910
Hey, Dee Dee, what'd
you want to show me?

171
00:07:55,997 --> 00:07:58,737
I needed your opinion on
something before Phyllis gets back.

172
00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:00,086
What? Ma was here?

173
00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:02,435
She didn't even
stop by to say hi.

174
00:08:02,525 --> 00:08:06,135
Well, she was in a hurry. She's
taking the professor on a costco run.

175
00:08:06,224 --> 00:08:09,494
He needed a patio chair, an eye
exam, and a tall pack of deodorant.

176
00:08:11,055 --> 00:08:13,575
And she's getting
me king crab legs.

177
00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:16,407
King crab? She only gets
me imitation fish sticks.

178
00:08:17,801 --> 00:08:21,371
I wanted to know if you
think Phyllis would like this.

179
00:08:21,457 --> 00:08:24,067
You got my mom a cat scrapbook?

180
00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:28,899
Complete with "if they
could see me meow" stickers.

181
00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:32,252
Since we started connecting,

182
00:08:32,337 --> 00:08:34,227
I thought it would be nice
if I supported her interests.

183
00:08:34,252 --> 00:08:37,262
Don't you have your own
dysfunctional mother to tend to?

184
00:08:37,342 --> 00:08:39,172
Mona, are you jealous?

185
00:08:39,257 --> 00:08:40,907
Dee Dee, are you crazy?

186
00:08:41,999 --> 00:08:45,869
You don't my mom like I do.
She will turn on you on a dime.

187
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,400
Now, I know
Phyllis can be tough.

188
00:08:48,484 --> 00:08:50,094
Oh, you grew up
with a lot of things,

189
00:08:50,181 --> 00:08:52,231
but my mother's toughness
is not one of them.

190
00:08:52,314 --> 00:08:54,144
Well, contrary
to what you think,

191
00:08:54,229 --> 00:08:56,929
I found Phyllis to be one
of the sweetest, kindest,

192
00:08:57,014 --> 00:08:59,234
and most gentle
women I've ever known.

193
00:09:02,411 --> 00:09:04,811
Do you know what the
hell kind of day I had?

194
00:09:04,892 --> 00:09:07,112
Marty Wilkins had the nerve
to show up at my doorstep

195
00:09:07,198 --> 00:09:09,768
with a pillow and the
luggage he bought at costco.

196
00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:12,223
He said it was time to take
our relationship to the next level

197
00:09:12,247 --> 00:09:13,417
and cohabitate.

198
00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:16,084
So what happened?

199
00:09:16,164 --> 00:09:17,914
What happened? I'll
tell you what happened.

200
00:09:17,992 --> 00:09:19,782
I told him I fell for
that crap with ray

201
00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:21,783
and I wasn't gonna
fall for it again.

202
00:09:21,865 --> 00:09:25,125
Then I went ghetto on his tail
and tossed his sorry butt out.

203
00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:26,956
And do you know
what that fool did?

204
00:09:27,044 --> 00:09:28,964
She's about to tell you.

205
00:09:29,046 --> 00:09:30,266
I'll tell you what he did.

206
00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:32,482
I just got a call
from animal control.

207
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,232
He turned me in to the city!

208
00:09:34,312 --> 00:09:37,102
I got 5 cats. That's one
cat over the legal limit.

209
00:09:37,185 --> 00:09:38,665
Now I got to get
rid of one of them.

210
00:09:38,752 --> 00:09:40,802
And do you know who I
have to thank for this mess?

211
00:09:41,885 --> 00:09:42,965
You.

212
00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:46,800
That's what I affectionately
like to call "the turn."

213
00:09:48,457 --> 00:09:49,937
Me? Why me?

214
00:09:50,024 --> 00:09:52,244
Because you hooked
me up with that evil,

215
00:09:52,330 --> 00:09:54,380
animal-hating man
in the first place.

216
00:09:54,463 --> 00:09:57,013
Now that clingy big word user has
me getting rid of one of my babies.

217
00:09:57,031 --> 00:09:58,471
Well, thanks a lot, Dee Dee.

218
00:10:00,164 --> 00:10:02,604
And I want my eating pants back!

219
00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:07,126
Hey, you wanted to be
treated like a daughter.

220
00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:09,035
It ain't all king crab, sister.

221
00:10:14,570 --> 00:10:16,400
I can't make it without my cats,

222
00:10:16,485 --> 00:10:17,875
and they can't
make it without me.

223
00:10:17,965 --> 00:10:19,705
Captain midnight is diabetic,

224
00:10:19,793 --> 00:10:21,883
Valentino suffers
from depression,

225
00:10:21,969 --> 00:10:23,449
eartha kitty is bulimic,

226
00:10:23,535 --> 00:10:26,095
commander paws
has anxiety issues.

227
00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:27,410
And then there's Fred.

228
00:10:27,496 --> 00:10:29,316
He licked himself bald.

229
00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:33,627
And Fred can't make it
without commander paws.

230
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,940
Wow. I don't know
what's more scary,

231
00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:38,986
the fact that you have five cats or
that you took the time to diagnose them.

232
00:10:39,987 --> 00:10:43,027
Well, I wouldn't be going through
any of this if it weren't for your sister.

233
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,340
Don't worry, ma,
we'll figure this out.

234
00:10:45,427 --> 00:10:47,057
One daughter may
have lost one of your cats,

235
00:10:47,081 --> 00:10:49,261
but the other will help
you find it a good home.

236
00:10:49,344 --> 00:10:52,224
Hey, why can't you keep one?

237
00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:55,483
Because... every
time I looked at it,

238
00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:58,047
it would just remind me of
the horrible, horrible injustice

239
00:10:58,135 --> 00:10:59,825
that has been done
to you by Dee Dee.

240
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:03,970
Ooh. I knew I shouldn't have
gotten close to a Dee Dee.

241
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:07,754
From now on, we don't say their
names. We just use their initials.

242
00:11:07,841 --> 00:11:10,711
No, wait. Damn those...

243
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,450
You know the cows
I'm talking about.

244
00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:18,498
And it all just went so wrong.

245
00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:20,770
I don't know how to
fix things with Phyllis.

246
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:22,554
You can't fix things
with that woman.

247
00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:25,728
I tried for years. Sometimes
I still wake up screaming.

248
00:11:26,903 --> 00:11:28,363
And why on earth do
you want to fix things?

249
00:11:28,383 --> 00:11:30,693
I mean, if you ask me,
this is a wonderful situation.

250
00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:32,817
One we should celebrate
with Tequila shooters.

251
00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:35,741
How about some
imported Russian caviar?

252
00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:37,305
I know you bought some.

253
00:11:37,392 --> 00:11:39,962
I saw the charge when I
paid your credit card bill.

254
00:11:40,047 --> 00:11:42,087
You two are not helping me.

255
00:11:42,179 --> 00:11:45,009
Mother, don't you have one of
those crazy stories to tell me?

256
00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:48,705
The time... blah, blah, blah.
The place... blah, blah, blah.

257
00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:50,875
Don't mock mother, dear.

258
00:11:50,971 --> 00:11:53,041
You can't expect me to fix every
problem or teach you every lesson.

259
00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:56,500
I mean, I taught you never to take
candy from strangers. Or Phyllis.

260
00:11:56,585 --> 00:11:59,275
No running with scissors.
Unless you're chasing Phyllis.

261
00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:02,070
I can't believe I
got myself into this.

262
00:12:02,156 --> 00:12:04,416
Honey, the only suggestion
I have is to talk to Mona.

263
00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:06,636
If you can find a
15-minute window

264
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:09,366
when Phyllis isn't sprawled on
the couch eating a bag of pork rinds.

265
00:12:09,424 --> 00:12:11,734
Ha ha ha!

266
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,694
Well, Mona is having
too much fun being right.

267
00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:20,610
I guess I'm just gonna have
to resolve this situation myself.

268
00:12:20,696 --> 00:12:23,956
That's good, dear. Do you
know what helps us think clearly?

269
00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:25,267
Tequila.

270
00:12:26,354 --> 00:12:29,364
What? I had some earlier,
and I'm thinking quite clearly.

271
00:12:33,927 --> 00:12:36,407
I'm sorry, Ms. Thorne. We're
just waiting for the president.

272
00:12:36,494 --> 00:12:38,674
As soon as he gets
here you can begin.

273
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:41,118
Had I been elected president,
we would have started on time,

274
00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:44,585
but Mrs. Brewster in 3-c voted
twice and then suspiciously moved.

275
00:12:46,722 --> 00:12:49,332
[Motor humming]

276
00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:56,988
Ok, people, what
have we got tonight?

277
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,730
Anything juicy?

278
00:12:58,821 --> 00:13:02,431
[Sigh] We're dealing with
the Phyllis Thorne matter.

279
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,570
If I were president, I
would have read my agenda

280
00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:06,133
before I scooted
into the meeting.

281
00:13:07,264 --> 00:13:09,144
You lost, Angela, get over it.

282
00:13:11,312 --> 00:13:14,272
Now let's talk about that
big-mouthed broad with all the cats.

283
00:13:14,358 --> 00:13:19,888
About said broad, sir, Ms. Thorne
loves her five cats very much.

284
00:13:19,973 --> 00:13:23,063
Now, I'm aware that
the city of San Francisco

285
00:13:23,150 --> 00:13:25,020
has a very strict pet policy.

286
00:13:25,108 --> 00:13:27,848
However, upon
further investigation,

287
00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:33,507
I discovered that this board could
override the city by a unanimous vote.

288
00:13:33,595 --> 00:13:34,935
Can we move this along?

289
00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:37,341
It's water aerobics
night down at the pool,

290
00:13:37,425 --> 00:13:39,505
and I want to try to
get as close as I can

291
00:13:39,601 --> 00:13:42,261
to the babe with the
big chimmy-chugas.

292
00:13:42,343 --> 00:13:43,783
She likes to nuzzle.

293
00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:48,220
[Angela] Clearly, you're
not aware that our policy

294
00:13:48,305 --> 00:13:50,995
is stricter than the
city's... One pet per person.

295
00:13:51,091 --> 00:13:53,181
I know. I introduced
the legislation.

296
00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:57,008
One pet per person?

297
00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:59,657
So she isn't just over
the limit by one cat,

298
00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:01,621
she's over by four.

299
00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:03,320
You're not very good
at math, are you?

300
00:14:06,106 --> 00:14:10,236
You know, let's revisit this
topic after you've been nuzzled.

301
00:14:11,981 --> 00:14:14,591
So not only does catwoman
have to get rid of four felines,

302
00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:17,329
she owes us $500
for each violation.

303
00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:21,161
[Reggie] Yeah. That's
$2,000. Just enough to install

304
00:14:21,251 --> 00:14:23,951
a non-slip ramp down
to the laundry room.

305
00:14:24,037 --> 00:14:25,467
Now I don't have
to wear a helmet.

306
00:14:29,085 --> 00:14:32,125
And for turning Phyllis in, you get
your picture in the monthly newsletter

307
00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:33,659
with our president.

308
00:14:33,742 --> 00:14:35,482
At least until
the next election.

309
00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:39,397
Say cheese, shorty.

310
00:14:45,319 --> 00:14:47,629
Oh, come on, guys, I wouldn't
ask you to take my mom's cat

311
00:14:47,712 --> 00:14:49,022
if I weren't desperate.

312
00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:51,145
I don't like cats.
Unless it's on stage

313
00:14:51,238 --> 00:14:53,438
and I have a date with one
of the dancers after the show.

314
00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:57,325
And I'd help you out, but
I already have smokey.

315
00:14:57,418 --> 00:15:00,808
I'm a one-cat man. Besides,
you know how she is.

316
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,030
She gets real possessive.

317
00:15:04,555 --> 00:15:06,075
Spencer, smokey's a boy.

318
00:15:08,690 --> 00:15:10,170
Oh, my gosh. She's a he?

319
00:15:11,649 --> 00:15:13,699
I let him lick my toes.

320
00:15:14,783 --> 00:15:16,873
I told you you'd like it if
you just gave it a chance.

321
00:15:18,395 --> 00:15:20,345
It was a cat, Adam, not a dude.

322
00:15:20,441 --> 00:15:22,401
A cat! A cat!

323
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,804
Hey, Mona.

324
00:15:26,882 --> 00:15:28,822
I'm in big trouble. Things
are spinning out of control.

325
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,840
Oh, but isn't Phyllis
"the sweetest, kindest,

326
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,020
most gentlest person
you've ever known"?

327
00:15:34,629 --> 00:15:37,679
I should have known that you
would throw that back in my face.

328
00:15:37,762 --> 00:15:40,372
And I should have known better
than to come to you for help.

329
00:15:41,592 --> 00:15:42,642
Huhh.

330
00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:49,863
Dee Dee, why don't we go in
my office so we can talk about this.

331
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:50,989
That's better.

332
00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:56,425
[Mona sighs deeply]

333
00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:58,150
Dee Dee, why is being close to
my mother so important to you?

334
00:15:58,174 --> 00:15:59,534
It's not even that
important to me.

335
00:16:02,222 --> 00:16:05,232
Mona, growing up I never spent
that much time with your mom.

336
00:16:05,312 --> 00:16:07,582
She'd drop you off,
insult my mother,

337
00:16:07,662 --> 00:16:10,272
pick you up, and
insult my mother.

338
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,750
That's not fair. Sometimes
she cursed out dad, too.

339
00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:16,977
I know. That's how I learned
the term "trifling negro."

340
00:16:18,716 --> 00:16:20,756
Anyway, when I
moved into the building,

341
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:24,239
I saw it as a chance to get
closer to both you and your mom.

342
00:16:24,331 --> 00:16:26,121
I conquered you,
and now you love me,

343
00:16:26,202 --> 00:16:28,292
and I want the same
thing with Phyllis.

344
00:16:28,378 --> 00:16:31,988
I know you do, and I
could've been more helpful.

345
00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:35,208
I guess I'm just
feeling kind of jealous.

346
00:16:35,298 --> 00:16:38,208
Well, you won't be when
you know the situation I'm in.

347
00:16:38,301 --> 00:16:41,481
Because when Phyllis finds out what
I did, she's gonna kill me, Bury me,

348
00:16:41,565 --> 00:16:43,825
and not tell anyone
where my little body is.

349
00:16:45,874 --> 00:16:48,014
Wow, you really have
gotten to know her.

350
00:16:51,488 --> 00:16:54,878
Well, we've got no one
to take my mom's cats.

351
00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:57,100
What if we declare
Phyllis legally blind

352
00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:59,150
and make eartha
kitty a seeing eye cat?

353
00:17:00,323 --> 00:17:02,843
You think your mom can get the
cat to lead her across the street?

354
00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:06,848
My mom can't even get eartha to
stop peeing on captain midnight.

355
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,987
Hey, maybe the cats could
live at the Thorne mansion.

356
00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:13,033
Please! They'd end up as wigs.

357
00:17:14,294 --> 00:17:15,564
Except for bald Fred.

358
00:17:15,643 --> 00:17:17,563
The best he could
make is a skullcap.

359
00:17:17,645 --> 00:17:19,335
[Door opens]

360
00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:21,869
There you are.

361
00:17:21,953 --> 00:17:26,183
Look at the headline on
my condo's newsletter.

362
00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:28,402
"Catwoman breaks
property claws."

363
00:17:28,482 --> 00:17:31,492
C-l-a-w-s.

364
00:17:31,572 --> 00:17:33,792
Oh, I get it. Clause,
that's kind of clever, right?

365
00:17:33,878 --> 00:17:34,918
No, oh, no, no.

366
00:17:36,316 --> 00:17:39,186
And guess who
ratted catwoman out!

367
00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:44,411
What a pretty woman
I've never seen before.

368
00:17:45,455 --> 00:17:48,195
I also got a notice telling
me I owe them 2 grand,

369
00:17:48,284 --> 00:17:49,554
thanks to you.

370
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:51,163
Phyllis, I can explain.

371
00:17:51,244 --> 00:17:53,294
Can you explain it to my 5 cats

372
00:17:53,376 --> 00:17:56,056
why I gotta put them in the bathtub
and fight it out gladiator-style?

373
00:17:58,642 --> 00:18:01,342
That's better than
anything we came up with.

374
00:18:01,428 --> 00:18:03,778
See, this is what I get
for getting too close to you.

375
00:18:05,606 --> 00:18:08,516
Now, wait a minute, ma.
Let's look at this another way.

376
00:18:08,609 --> 00:18:10,219
Yes, another way.

377
00:18:10,306 --> 00:18:11,566
Did I say you could speak?

378
00:18:12,656 --> 00:18:14,956
Go ahead, and
this better be good.

379
00:18:15,050 --> 00:18:16,880
There is an upside to all this.

380
00:18:16,965 --> 00:18:18,285
In fact, the more
I think about it,

381
00:18:18,314 --> 00:18:19,794
it's a terrific opportunity.

382
00:18:19,881 --> 00:18:21,271
How?

383
00:18:21,361 --> 00:18:24,281
Well, this whole cat
situation is a sign.

384
00:18:24,364 --> 00:18:25,804
It's time for a change,

385
00:18:25,887 --> 00:18:27,567
and the only solution
out of it is to move.

386
00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:30,461
I thought I told you
this had to be good.

387
00:18:30,544 --> 00:18:33,814
Yeah! I thought she told
you this had to be good!

388
00:18:33,895 --> 00:18:35,375
Oh, I spoke. Sorry.

389
00:18:36,941 --> 00:18:39,211
If you move, you
can keep all your cats.

390
00:18:39,292 --> 00:18:42,642
And leave behind the ghosts of
ray and all your past relationships.

391
00:18:42,730 --> 00:18:45,560
I mean, let's face it, ma,
it's time for a new start.

392
00:18:45,646 --> 00:18:48,256
So you're telling me I
have to pack up all my stuff,

393
00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:50,694
leave the only home I've
known since I left your father,

394
00:18:50,781 --> 00:18:52,701
and change over my whole life?

395
00:18:53,828 --> 00:18:55,048
That's a great idea.

396
00:18:56,526 --> 00:18:58,396
It is? Well...

397
00:18:58,485 --> 00:19:00,135
When we moved to a new place,

398
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:02,576
it did help me get over
your father and the divorce.

399
00:19:02,663 --> 00:19:05,273
I got a whole new
outlook, my career took off,

400
00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:06,931
and we did ok.

401
00:19:07,015 --> 00:19:09,795
And if you move,
you'll be more than ok.

402
00:19:09,887 --> 00:19:11,757
Well, then that's
it. I'm gonna move!

403
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,976
Thank you, baby!

404
00:19:14,065 --> 00:19:15,195
Ohh!

405
00:19:17,591 --> 00:19:19,511
You do know I'm Dee Dee?

406
00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:20,993
Yeah, why are you hugging her?

407
00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:22,702
She almost had your
cats fighting to the death.

408
00:19:22,726 --> 00:19:25,376
Well, if she hadn't fixed
me up with the professor,

409
00:19:25,468 --> 00:19:27,188
it wouldn't have started
the chain of events

410
00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:29,599
that's leading me
into a whole new life.

411
00:19:29,690 --> 00:19:31,260
Aww... that is true.

412
00:19:32,388 --> 00:19:35,568
You know, I'm feeling
very close to you right now.

413
00:19:35,652 --> 00:19:36,782
Well, I gotta go pack.

414
00:19:36,871 --> 00:19:38,311
Mona, get your weight belt

415
00:19:38,394 --> 00:19:40,484
and meet me behind
the food 4 less store.

416
00:19:40,570 --> 00:19:41,750
It's box day.

417
00:19:43,878 --> 00:19:46,448
Unbelievable. I totally bail
you out and what do I get?

418
00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:48,143
I tell you what I
get, I get nothin'!

419
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:50,970
That's our mother.

420
00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:58,591
- Double 3's!
- [Cell phone rings]

421
00:19:58,675 --> 00:19:59,935
Hello.

422
00:20:00,024 --> 00:20:01,374
Oh, ma. Where are you?

423
00:20:02,418 --> 00:20:04,638
She wants us to
look out the window.

424
00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:06,285
Ok, this had better be good.

425
00:20:09,164 --> 00:20:10,824
Hey, I see her.
She's waving at us

426
00:20:10,905 --> 00:20:12,985
from that window
across the street.

427
00:20:13,081 --> 00:20:16,391
What? What do mean you're
thinking of renting that apartment?

428
00:20:18,739 --> 00:20:20,829
We have got to stop our mother.

429
00:20:20,915 --> 00:20:22,825
Our mother? That's your mama.

430
00:20:26,442 --> 00:20:29,532
[Theme music playing]

431
00:20:29,582 --> 00:20:34,132
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